Since having Lyra I’ve gained a new inner voice filling me with self doubt. Actually, if I’m honest, the voice appeared the moment I saw those two little lines on the test and has stayed with me ever since. Let’s take yesterday as an example.
Lyra has her first proper cold and although she seemed pretty happy in herself, it’s still tough to see her eyes and nose streaming and to hear her snuffling as she tries to nurse. We couldn’t leave the house as I had to stay in to wait for a delivery so I dressed Lyra in her comfiest clothes and settled in for a day of nothingness. Except, mid afternoon, the delivery arrived. And the sun was shining. I found myself with no excuse not to head out for some fresh air. I knew Lyra would probably enjoy a play on the swings but it was then that my new inner voice kicked in. Here’s a little glimpse into my thought process.
Lyra really enjoyed the swings last time but do you take a sick child to the park? But it’s only a cold. I’d have to get her changed though. What would I put her in? She’d need to be wrapped up warm. But then she hates being too hot. Is it worth it? The swings might be wet or other people might be using them. We’d have to be back in time for Lyra to eat dinner. What shall I give her to eat? She really struggled eating lunch because she can’t breathe through her nose so maybe purée would be better today. But we’re almost completely baby led now so I have no purée in the freezer. I could make some more. But Lyra hates the food processor at the best of times. I know, I could buy her something on the way back from the park. But I should really be cooking everything from scratch for her. Isn’t that better? But surely it’s better if she at least eats something today.
And so it goes. On and on. For every little decision I have to make on a daily basis. I’m now pretty good at shutting the voice up when we’re at home. I’ve got (almost) everything in control when we’re here. It’s safe, we’ve got a little routine and things usually go to plan. It’s when we go outside that the inner voice really pipes up. Outside of the house, outside of our routine and outside of my comfort zone. And yet, I push myself to head out as often as possible. For it is outside that adventure happens and memories are made so I’m working on ignoring the inner voice. Accepting that it’s there because I want to be the best parent that I can for Lyra but trying not to let it rule me.
And yesterday? Well yesterday we headed out to the swings and Lyra loved it, cold and all.